Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Fertility, entitlement, and remembering life isn't fair

February 2008 after years of trying, I found out I was finally pregnant. The next week, one of my friends who had a little boy, also found out she was pregnant. April 2008 I miscarried. My friend didn't. She was very sad for me and gentle and did the best she could in a situation she could never relate to being quite fertile. So fertile, that she sat across from me shortly after about her hopes to have another little boy. I don't know what I'll do if I have a girl. I need this to be a boy. I bit my lip thinking about the child I had lost, and she continued I don't want to spend more on girl things, and girls are complicated and talk back and boys are easy, I was meant to be a mom to boys. And then, a few months later at her twenty week check up? I'm having a boy! You know why? Because God is good. I knew God is good. And I knew I'd have another boy. Let no one doubt God. I wish I was exxagerating.

She's pregnant again with her third and e-mailed me her feverent hope that this time she would have a girl. We decided to try one last time because we thought having a girl would be nice. She e-mailed. And then, today, on facebook I see that she is indeed having a girl just as she had asked on her order menu straight to the allmighty.

Yesterday, I went to a Chinese restaurant with my husband and brother and the waitress was so sweet. She didn't flinch when W spilled the glass of water all over her clothes [she was tipped handsomely for this transgression]. She handed us three plastic utensils for him because she figured he'd drop a few. She smiled and cooed, and he absolutely radiated and basked in her warmth. you must have kids,  I smiled, observing her sincere ease. She got quiet and shook her head and said no, I don't. I guess I couldn't.

Well then. And there I am with my toddler and huge belly wanting so badly to stick this foot of mine in my mouth.

I'm not in the dark sad place of my infertility anymore. I wish I could say it's because I learned to be more mature or introspective but the truth is my peace arrived once I had my son. It was only once he was here the anger and darkness could leave my heart as a permanent resident.

I look at my friend and I'm happy for her to a degree, but I am also baffled at how some people can smile so proudly and arrogantly that God gave them this and that. How they believed and so they received. And then I think of the sweet waitress. And the countless others who have not. Who have also asked that very same God. . . and I just feel sick inside at how life isn't fair and that not all of us can simply order on the menu and expect Him to give us exactly what we requested.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Ultrasound, gender, and name advice


It's official, we have the proof along with some cute profile shots of the little one hanging on our fridge from our 20 week ultrasound that we are definitely 100% having another little boy. I think we were in shock because the tech at our 13 week ultrasound the tech pointed out what she insisted were girl parts. So, we had picked out a girl name, I was researching books on raising girls and then, well, no- boy.

Sunny wrote a while back about the sympathetic looks she gets from people now that she is a mom to four boys and no girls and how this rankled her considering all that she had went through. I havent been getting too much of this though I do get the ocassional well you can always go for a third, but while I am so thankful for my boy[s] because forget having a girl or a boy, I'm just thankful to be a mother and to have a child [soon to be children] but the fact that I might never have a daughter to pass down my jewelry, and to share the mother-daughter connection, does give me a moment to pause. It also fascinates me because I'm from a culture that values boys above all else. One of my aunts had five daughters in pursuit of her sixth son. Until she had that boy it was despair and doom and gloom. It's weird to think that some of my relatives are jealous that I get to have boys like its nothing while I just wanted a healthy and happy baby regardless of what was between their legs. A girl or a boy, they are unique people who have never before inhabited this earth and will bring something new and beautiful. And my relationship with a daughter is undeniably going to be different than with a son, but is it a lesser relationship? I'd like to think not.

A friend of mine is pregnant and due at the same time as me. She really wanted a daughter but is having a son. She is so disappointed. She says she's not but its written all over her face. When I tell her how fun boys are, she just looks at me like a daughter is funner. I have to admit, having mentally gotten ready for a little girl I understand that pang of disappointment. I never did understand it before. Before when someone wanted one sex over another I felt pure revulsion. But now, on some level I get that a person can want a boy and a girl. But when I see my friend's sadness all I can think is you have no fucking clue. When you get pregnant right away, I think some of that perspective is lost. You think you're entitled to a boy or a girl when youre not entitled to shit. I try to be patient because perhaps I too would sulk if I hadn't had to really face the potential of never having children.

But in any case, I'm having a little boy. And come December/January I cannot wait to meet him.

On an totally different topic I need your advice. We are considering a name. Since we are looking at arabic origin name this name is the arabic for Moses: Musa.

My husband loves this name beyond all else but I'm worried kids might tease him with that name? [I was a teacher and I was a kid who was picked on] he pointed out that who would have thought my name would get picked on but it was. That any name can be teased [handy Andy]. What do you think of this name? Honest opinions would be greatly appreciated as in my culture this would be a beautiful name but I am wodnering, does it sound like a little kid's name to you? Does it sound easy to pick on? would it look silly on a resume or on a fully grown man? any perspective much appreciated.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Maternity clothes and belly shots

My pregnancy clothing from last time around aren't fitting me and I was resisting buying new ones since its for such a short period of time why not just wear skirts, tights, and make do?

Yeah, that's not working out. For one, my son likes to yank my skirts down. We've had a few almost mortifying moments at the mall and during storytime. He did not succeed. But, almost.

So I finally bought some. They're loose at the moment, the pants anyways, but I'm thinking I'll expand into them? I'm only 15 weeks along but I am currently the size I was at six months with W. Here's a belly shot. My first ever with any pregnancy:

It's a bit helpful to take a photo as in my head I feel like I look like a tug-boat but the picture doesn't show me quite like I've swallowed a hippo yet. I guess I'm comparing the state of the belly now versus last time and its just gargantuan. Am I the only one who loves a pregnant belly? I don't know if I would have loved it no matter what, or if its because I feel so lucky to be here, but I lost 23 pounds before I got pregnant but its with this belly jutting out and the fat slowly reaccumulating that I feel the most beautiful and happiest to stop and just gape at myself in the mirror.

In actual beautiful news, I told my son, there is a baby in my belly. He walked up, pressed a hand to my stomach, and said "hi baby!" and kissed it. He's a boy of very few words but I'll be damned if he doesn't know the right ones to say and just how to say them.

Friday, July 13, 2012

The state of the womb

I went to the doctor's on Monday and Sprogblogger was indeed correct, I was not drinking enough water and was dehydrated which was the source of my weird cramping and then, today, the nurse called to say that I now have a UTI.


I really hate taking antibiotics during pregnancy and now this will be my second round. I'm amazed how healthy I manage to stay when I am not harboring a fetus in my uterus but put one in and bam it's one antibiotic-needing thing after another. I bought a Camelbak from Target yesterday and my goal is to fill it up twice to get my days quota of water met. I can't let this slide.

I am expanding to an insane degree even though I've only gained seven pounds. Jeans no longer fit, but maternity jeans slip right off, probably because they were for a bigger me when I was pregnant with W. I guess this means I'll have to put down money for some maternity clothes even though I wasn't planning on it this time. Was hoping to get away with just wearing tights and skirts, but I'm already looking six months pregnant so the odds that things will fit me normally are now slim.

These are good problems to have.

Because of the freak outs of the week before what with the cramping I decided to invest in a three month subscription to the doppler. It should arrive today. Hoping that it will give me the reassurance I need on days that I'm feeling a touch insecure. I can feel something inside when its early morning or late at night, small movements, flutterings, but its not the reassuring wam bam punches that come later so until then its probably best to have a means to reassure that things are still going in the right direction inside.

This time around my doctor hasn't done the weekly ultrasounds and I have to go to the high-risk doctor, she said she won't start that for me until week 20-25. Which is good since it would be hard with W to trekk so often to the MFM where the wait time is usually 90-120 minutes, but its also something I'm not used to. Knock on wood that all will go smoothly, if UTI and BV are the only challenges of this pregnancy I will count myself among the luckiest.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Funny bodily feelings. Sigh.

Things had been going pretty quiet here for a while which is always a great thing when it comes to pregnancy but this weekend we were in Amelia Island for our ten year anniversary and things got a bit interesting in the way I'd rather they didn't.

First, the weird. From time to time I've been getting pokes on my top right stomach area, just above the ribs. It's the same kind of pokes I would feel when my son was inside of me and jabbing me. But, he was 30 weeks at the time and my little one is only 14 weeks so I am fully aware this is not little one, but what on earth is it? It's a sharp poke that can jolt me, has happened three or four times now.

Second, the odd but not completely panic inducing. I'm getting shooting pain in my vagina right up to my cervix. It hurts. I get worried my cervix is doing things it shouldn't be doing but so far all is well. knock on wood.

And then, the Very Not Fun. Namely, cramping. I've been cramping. Lower stomach cramps. Shooting cramps when I walk sometimes. It began on Thursday. I called my OB who told me to keep my feet up that night and to drink a ton of water and if it persisted in the AM to head to the hospital. Luckily the next day it went away and was gone for the rest of the trip until today in a pit-stop at Savannah and again the cramps. It's not earth-shattering cramps but its cramps and they hurt.

I will be going to the doctor's on Monday as soon as I can make an appointment. Really wishing I had my trusty doppler at the moment to assure me all is well. Hopefully it is. Just been a strange few days. Any experience on any of this? Much appreciated.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Ultrasound and gender guesses

We had the Nuchal Ultrasound today and so far, knock on wood, all looked well. Little one was lying down just chilling, ocassionally kicking their legs up but otherwise so still. At this stage, W was a constant twisting little bundle, and remains so today. I wonder if personality can be observed so early in the womb. We heard the heartbeat, and everything looks good and the doctor supported my decision to stay on Lovenox and I got a fun little surprise that I'm not 12 weeks pregnant but actually 13 weeks pregnant. So, I think I'm at the end of the first trimester? Yipee! That went faster than the last time!

I get to stop Metformin which makes me all kinds of nervous as I wonder if I should stop eating sweets or simple carbs of any kind, anyone reading who got off Met? Curious if you altered your diet after? Doctor said not to restrict anything but I can't help but wonder if I should.

The ultrasound tech was looking around and then we saw what looked like a boy-bit and I shrieked its another boy! And she nodded and said it was quite obviously a boy and its funny because I say all the time I'd be happy with a girl or a boy, just give me their health and their happiness and what more does anyone want? But in that moment when I thought it was a boy, I was surprised that I really felt that way, just happy and excited. After we hugged and smiled, the tech frowned and said well, wait, maybe its a girl. Apparently the protrusion was not the perpendicular tell-tale of a boy, but instead she showed us, and we clearly saw three horizontal lines which indicate a girl. She did not call it either way at the end saying it could be either way as it was still early and honestly, it doesn't matter either way, just a healthy baby and I will do a jig of joy, but its fun to wonder. Wish I knew how to work my scanner so I could show it to you guys, maybe I'll get it figured out soon.

Things are calming down, per your advice I decided we'll tell the inlaws of my pregnancy. At 13 weeks its not unusual to share especially with family and like you said, I got the preggo-card, may as well use it. Thanks again for all the advice.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Random Updates

It's late and I should sleep. Hoping by writing a few things out here in my safe space I can get some shut eye before little guy begins chirping bright and early. I'm not one for bullet points on my blog but it seems fastest.
  • The source of my cramps was finally explained late last week when my doctor informed me I had BV. I am really uncomfortable with taking antibiotics in the first trimester as research used to show that you absolutely should not do so but now new research says you can. This makes me feel squeamish but I talked to a bunch of pharmacists and got second opinions and everyone said not taking it will do more harm than good so I'm taking it.
  • The side effects of the antibiotic are brutal. Nausea like nothing I've experienced. Heartburn that made me honestly feel I might be having a heart attack. And my whole stomach issue is bad to the point I'm hoping I don't get dehydrated severely.
  • My Nuchal Ultrasound is Thursday. I'm nervous and scared but I think this is normal. Fingers crossed for good news.
  • We will be discussing stopping my lovenox. My doctor is leaning towards it. But I'm leaning towards sticking with it. I figure I had a healthy baby once with it, and two miscarriages without it. Sure the two miscarriages could have just been a fluke but we don't know either way what gave me my son. Why mess with what worked? I'm hoping my doctor will support me. I get the feeling she will. I just feel like a hypochondriac asking for it because I can tell she thinks I don't need it. . . but I dont get why this time would be different from last time?
  • I've had a lot of family issues with my parents [not me with them, but them with one another]  and its been rough and emotional and I'm still completely shaken and hurting and just as I finally am getting my bearings we found out my inlaws, all of them, are coming to our house this weekend. I havent spoken to my SIL or BIL in a year after a really bad argument and now they're coming to our house. I'm scared of what will happen because pregnancy hormones can get me angry so quickly I can't control it. Honestly, I really can't once I'm riled up. And I just hope that the weekend can go as okay as possible with peole I haven't spoken to in over a year. I know my son will love seeing his cousins. . . and its for him that I'm allowing this to happen. . . but the thought of hosting and serving and dealing with the awkwardness makes me feel ill. Debating telling them Im pregnant so maybe they will ease up. At the same time I don't feel they deserve to know.
Not a sunshine and roses post. Need to get my happy back.

Monday, June 18, 2012


It's been a rough few days for a variety of reasons and yesterday I realized that for the past three days I had no symptoms, no nausea, no exhaustion, or the other lingering symptoms that were my constant companion. This made me nervous as my stress levels have been, on a scale of 1-10, an 11 and when I lost my first pregnancy my stress levels were similar and I worried about the correlation. I planned to make a doctor's appointment in the morning and this morning when I woke up to call, as I went to get my phone I was seized by a huge painful cramp. Not a uterus-stretching-feel but a cramp. I am familiar with the sensation. Luckily they fit me in first thing in the morning and I live a mile down the road so K and I quickly headed over. The cramps continued but very light now and sporadic.

Thank God the ultrasound showed a 164 heart beating little baby. My cervix is closed. The doctor thinks all is okay. He thinks that the fact that we, ahem, did the deed two days earlier may be a reason for my weird symptoms. I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow and I have to admit I'm a bit worried by the ultrasound picture. He did not measure the size of the little one since they were doing a heart beat check, but next week is my nuchal test and I remember seeing a very well formed little guy at my 12 week scan last time around. . . . this ultrasound showed pretty much a . . . blob how much more formed will s/he be next week, are they lagging? Also next week I'm going to have an abdominal scan but this week they had to do a vaginal one? So small that they couldn't see it abdominally just a week prior? I asked the doctor and he said this was not a concern. Maybe they take different angles for the nuchal? I also felt concerned since the ultrasound showed a little one with a head, torso, sort of formed arms, and a big dark spot in the middle of the forehead. This freaked me out, but K reminded me that the baby is um, growing and forming in there, so not to read into perceived holes in places there shouldn't be in fully formed humans.

The cramping is still going on and off. I'm trying to keep my feet up and rest as it does get less when I'm off my feet and worse if I'm walking around for a while.

Hopefully things will be okay. Fingers and toes crossed. I've been so much calmer with this pregnancy than the last one and I'm slightly disappointed that the crazy is rearing its head again. This too shall pass though.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Spotting and popping

I called the nurse today and explained to her the situation. She told me that because we had a good ultrasound last week and the spotting was brown and has since receded that all is probably well and to come in if it returns. She did offer to schedule me in if I was worried and they could do a scan just to make sure and I said that's okay I'll keep an eye out if it returns but I'm good for now. And then I sat in shock that such words escaped from MY mouth. But, the spotting is gone. And since that spotting and the pain I felt, my stomach has sort of popped out a bit. This could entirely be the Pad Thai I ate [and the slice of chocolate supreme cake, and the watermelon, no not bowl, the watermelon-- something about pregnancy my brain flies out the window, still unbelievably I'm restraining myself far more than last time and will hunker down more starting today!] but part of the pop is hard, pregnant like. I heard you pop sooner with a second and I'm 20 pounds lighter so it could be this. . . but either way I'm thinking the spotting had to do with this sudden pop and some irritation that happened as a result. It helps that I'm nauseous and exhausted and want to cry about the dead mosquito on my window sill. I know symptoms can carry on even when a pregnancy is lost but at the moment I'm taking comfort in the symptoms, the lack of spotting at the current moment, and hoping for the best. Thank you so much for checking in and for your reassurances, they keep me sane, really and truly.

Sunday, June 3, 2012


I got up to take a walk and my right side of my body had a sharp searing pain in the uterus area. I felt a wetness. I checked and its spotting. Reddish and brownish. Hoping its not what I think it is. Should I keep my feet up? I think I will. Should I call the doctor or is reddish-brownish okay? They can't do anything right now, I guess tomorrow I'll make an appointment. Sorry for weird prose. Weird state of mind. Hoping all is going to be okay. . . just hoping that, well, you know.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Ultrasound and advice on neurotic hormones?

I had another ultrasound today. Little sprout measured at 8w1d right on target bouncing around like a jellybean in a can with a HB of 144! I feel relieved and for the first time I'm feeling optimistic. Last time with W we didn't tell people I was pregnant until I was 24 weeks along but this time around we're thinking we might start sharing the news with close friends and family once we pass the first trimester. It feels good to think this way. To allow myself to be like other pregnant folks. Maybe I'll actually get a chance to enjoy being pregnant? [Well, once the nausea fades that is]

One thing plaguing me from time to time is the hormones and the havoc they are wreaking on my emotions. Since the last go around I'd been in the throes of IF and loss I thought my state of mind during my pregnancy was just who I was, an anxious stressed neurotic person. But now, two years into motherhood I know this isn't true. I'm happy and content with my life. Yes, I have bad days and sometimes I get grouchy or sad or moody, but over all I'm thankful for the state of things and I'm not walking around considering worst-case scenarios and freaking out about the smallest of things.

But now? Now, I am. Today we found out there are some insurance issues, serious but not life or death. And the lawn guy didn't come and my bushes look wonky. And the trash hasn't left the driveway. And my house post house-guests is a mess and I'm too tired to clean it.  Maybe these are the triggers maybe they aren't but I am sitting here wondering what is the point of this life and what is the point of me and what a waste of space I am and all sorts of negative thoughts. Yesterday I watched the season finale for Modern Family a show I'm mostly lukewarm about, but when Mitch and Cam didn't get the baby and Mitch said I'm so tired of wanting a child and getting so close and never getting it and I literally sat on the couch and cried for ten minutes and then spent the rest of the day discussing how sad this was with my husband. Some days when I have NO excuse not even a sitcom ,I'll just feel these tears in the back of my throat just waiting for a reason to unfurl. I know this is crazy, I know this is not based on logic but I feel so devestated and depressed so sincerely and truly that I'm tempted to believe it all.

I'm going to start journaling again and writing out things I'm thankful for but I was wondering if any one reading has ever battled depression, or crazy hormones during pregnancy and what they did to deal with it? I'm wondering if I can manage this on my own or if I need to see a therapist. My kid deserves a non-neurotic mother and I hate that I'm aware of how great everything is, and yet the hormones one day will give me peace and the next day make me feel awful. Any advice appreciated.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The nausea and the fruit

Well, it's happened, I'm nauseous. Be careful what you wish for? Worse than I ever was with my son. With him I'd get a bit queasy from time to time, but this go around I'm running to the bathroom and lying around eating saltines for the past few days unable to move much while my son helps 'unpack' the house [by which I mean scatters toys, and Q-tips, and the like into every crevice available].

Today began that way but then I remembered Mina's words of wisdom to have a variety of fruit in the house and to eat that throughout the day as it helps nausea. And well, Mina, you are officially annoited to sainthood in my book because I have done just this, eating bits of watermelon, grapes and apricot and lo and behold things are so much better. Probably not the cure all for everyone, but it has done the trick here.

I have another ultrasound next week and as much as I hate this nausea and how its preventing me from cleaning up or unpacking before we have a house full of guests come Thursday, I am thankful for the reassurance [whether its accurate or not I don't know] it gives me in the here and now.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Ultrasound

I've been without internet since Sunday so I apologize for writing a post about my Tuesday ultrasound and then never updating again. I was ready to head to a starbucks to update my blog until we managed to get a cable tech here to connect us again. Phew!

The ultrasound went well. I was at 6w1d and a heartbeat of 115 with a due date of January 3, 2013.

I cried like a baby because I was convinced I was getting bad news, but while I'm relieved that things are good right now I'm still skeptical. For one, I thought I'd be further along. Second, I have no symptoms at all really. I have been getting weird emotions lately, like one minute I feel so upset and unhappy and empty I feel there is no point to life [all the while knowing in my rational mind this is crazy] and then the next minute feeling normal. It's like there are storms brewing inside of me and just like real weather and climate I can't control it, much. I guess this is a symptom but really, nothing else.

Still, all is good right now. I'm trying not to be skeptical. I believe somewhere deep down I'm doing this because I'm trying to protect myself from potential hurt that may come by being prepared but you can't ever prepare so I may as well enjoy the moment. Like Mo said on her blog about her own pregnancy, sometimes things just take time that is the only thing that will help one feel better. The doctor is seeing me the week after next for a quick peek to still my nerves and here's hoping the news remains good!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Waiting for Tuesday

My symptoms are still light and/or nonexistent save the fact that I can get angry in a flash. Like, I know there's no need to be angry about the fact that I can't find the remote control but my hormones rise up like a geyser. The good thing is despite said anger I don't show it, I just take a deep breath and wait for the geyser to fall back to normal levels since the feelings are not rational. Otherwise all is quiet except pulling sensations in my groin/uterus area like when you pull your calf muscles. This morning there was brown-red spotting but it wasn't fresh blood so I'm surprisingly calm about that development. Thankfully its stopped.

There was a song by Lisa Loeb I used to love. Waiting For Wednesday. It was a break up song that had no bearing on my life but I just loved singing the chorus waiting for Wednesday with all the angst I could possibly muster. Well now I'm waiting for Tuesday. That's when my ultrasound is scheduled and I'm hoping it will show me good things.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It feels over

I wish I could give a logical reason but today I simply don't feel pregnant anymore. I've not had to wake to pee this time around and today I have no fatigue, no nausea, no emotional hormone feelings-- nothing. Don't you have to wake up and pee when you're pregnant?! I always have. I feel like myself completely and truly. So, it must be over. I'm not crying. I'm not panicking. I am just feeling this way and am certainly sad, slightly frustrated, and wishing that I didn't have to feel this way. I haven't started bleeding so I'll keep hope alive as much as I can but . . . I just don't know at this point.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Lovenox and other thoughts

  1. Lovenox hurts. The needle is thin and sharp. And it burns. I don't remember the burn quite so crisp. Is this normal? Might be, perhaps two years has dulled the memory of the pain. 
  2. Aside from being tired, I'm not full of symptoms. I got a touch nauseous this morning because I was shopping on an empty stomach, but aside from this, nothing. Not even the "get up and pee in the middle of the night" as I have with my three previous pregnancies.
  3. This worries me.
  4. I'm not incapacitated nor am I having anxiety-attacks about this but I do wonder if the pregnancy is over. I'm checking for blood daily [not hourly as in the past] and then I feel bad that my negative thoughts will end this pregnancy.
  5. Except I know this is not true. If bad thoughts and dark fears ended pregnancies, I wouldn't have my son. So though being worried is not great, I know the only harm is towards me, not towards the dividing being within.
  6. Really, more than feeling anxious or upset, I'm a bit concerned. . . and stunned that I'm pregnant. I can't believe my good fortune.
  7. But my belief is not requisite. This simply is what it is.
  8. My friend told me there is only one truth but its our choice to pick among the million different ways to feel about that truth. The truth may not be our doing, but our emotions and how we tackle it largely are. 
  9. So despite the worries that gnaw, I'm choosing to remain hopeful. I'm choosing to focus on the precious miracle that I am lucky to have at this particular moment in time.
  10. Because life is traveling forward regardless of how I choose to feel about it, so I may as well choose to feel good.

Friday, May 4, 2012

The OB Visit and Lovenox. . . to do or not to do?

[Note: please don't read on if you're still TTC- lots of baby stuff ahead]

I have to admit as we drove to the doctor's office I had a split second fear that I'd dreamed this all up and was in fact, hallucinating. That they would pull me into the examination room and raise their eyebrows with a straight jacket in the distance asking so why did you think you were pregnant? Did you bring your 'pregnancy test'? But as it turns out their test matched mine and I am five weeks pregnant.

We discussed the usual suspects like avoiding sushi, cigarettes, and deli meat. She also told me my allergies were pregnancy symptoms since I never get allergies [and this is what happens when you're not googling at all times for symptoms!] and that my bloating was perhaps slightly early showing and that by week 12 I might be blatantly pregnant to the world. Well, then!

And then we delved into the deeper question: Lovenox. She told me it was entirely up to me as one doctor had told me I didn't need it, one told me I needed it until twelve weeks, and one had said I could do it throughout if it meant we were better safe than sorry. She didn't feel I needed it but she didn't want me to deal with anxiety being off of it and so its entirely my call at this point.

I don't know. On one hand I'm not sure that lovenox had any bearing on the success of this pregnancy. On the other hand I'm not sure it didn't. At the moment we agreed I'll take it for the first trimester just because that's when my losses occurred and so we'll be safer that way from an emotional standpoint and perhaps also a physical health standpoint. But beyond twelve weeks, I just don't know. Anyone reading have any insight? Would love some perspective.

She noted my weight loss, and then, she noted how less panicky and frantic I was now, she noted my happiness. You are so happy, you exude a sense of fulfillment I didn't see in you before. I want to believe joy comes from within and a sense of happiness can't be from external forces, but for too many years I did forget what it was like to be happy. For so many years I didn't know much beyond panic, worry and tears. So much so that I truly believed this is just who I was. But now, I know I'm more than my paranoias and my doubts and worst-case-scenarios. I'm happy. So thankful to my son for giving me this gift. Because as much as joy is found from within, its my son who gave me this inner peace after years without.

Fully aware that things can go off-kilter as we're still quite early in the game.  But I'm hopeful. And I'm happy. So different from so long ago.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Pregnancy, toddlers, and eating plans

First off, thank you to all of you who left such sweet comments on my previous post. I post here so infrequently so amazed that you're still here, and ever so grateful since outside of y'all only my husband, my best friend, and my mother knows. I'm pregnant. But I know nothing is certain, particularly at this early stage in the game. If you also read my other blog, I won't be writing about anything pregnancy related until I feel truly confident things will be okay, which might be around the 36th week. [old habits die hard? Oh, and my sister-in-law reads it religiously and I'm superstitious about pregnancy.  . . ]

My doctor's appointment is Friday. The positive line was super-dark. Does that mean anything? Does it imply a stronger pregnancy than a faint one? [wow, it didn't take long for my inner crazy to come out did it?] Symptom-wise nothing much happening except I feel like someone has snuck tranquilizers into everything I've eaten today. I am so tired I want to just lie down and nap constantly. And my son is an energizer bunny so this combination is not working great especially when I can't get my sustenance from caffeine in the quantities I once did.

It's a good problem to have.

Since last posting about my efforts to lose weight I've gone from weighing 167 pounds to 145 pounds which puts me safely in a healthy BMI for my height. I had ten more pounds to go to reach my goal weight, but that is perfectly okay!!! This is a good place to start a new pregnancy and unlike the last time when I ate as if the planet would be devoid of food any minute now, I'm going to try to do better.

The issue is relearning new eating habits. I've been sustaining on 800 calories daily since January 2. Once in a while I'll splurge up to 1200 calories but those moments are very rare. I'm used to eating fruit and tea for breakfast. Egg and toast for lunch. A small snack. And a sensible dinner prepared healthy. Now I'm confused how many calories I should consume afraid to take too little and hurt anything going on, and afraid to eat too many because diabetes [and gestational diabetes] is a real and present danger and I don't want to deal with it if I dont' have to. It's odd to have to relearn how to eat more when I was for so long trying to learn how to eat less.

Right now the plan is to eat egg and toast for breakfast, a salad with cheese and olives and an olive oil dressing for lunch, all the fruit and vegetable snacks I desire and a handful of nuts, and a sensible dinner. I can't be certain how many calories this is, but I'm hoping with the focus on good nutrients this will be okay? I also began power walking thirty minutes today and plan to bump it up to an hour a day because going through labor unfit the first time around I realized the value of having endurance.

This is all so surreal. So different than last time. I am hoping for good things. I'm prepared for the worst [as prepared as anyone can be, which is, not much]. And despite my heavy lidded eyes, I'm happy. Ever so happy. Ever so hopeful.

Monday, April 30, 2012

I took a pregnancy test and. . .

It's positive.

Oh. My. Gosh.



Please God, let it be healthy and happy. Please God, let it stick.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

From the mouths of babes

About one week ago, my son pulled me to him from where he sat in his highchair and lifted up my shirt pressing a hand against my stomach. He paused and grinned at it and rubbed my belly and then said baby. He did it again that evening in front of my husband. Later on Skype with my parents. Baby, each and every time. Babies sometimes know these things my mother said with a raised eyebrow and a smile. I imagined the story I'd tell this child, how his/her brother knew they were coming before anyone else did, because he had a sense beyond all of ours borne of pure innocence that is part and parcel of babyhood.

And today I got my period. It's heavy like last month, heavier than I've ever had in my life and hurt more than I can bear. It's funny, I've lost a lot of weight, over twenty pounds so far, and its been difficult involving a lot of dieting and care, but the weight of infertility comes back on in an instant, fitting like an old glove.

Before my son the obstacle in pregnancy was simply ovulating. Once I ovulated pregnancy always followed. I ovulated three times. Each time I got pregnant. My cycles are normal again, I've ovulated three times now this year, and yet there is no pregnancy. I know these things take time but for me its all such a guessing game.

I hung out with a friend last night and she's pregnant with her second timing it to be two years after the birth of her first little girl. She said they wanted to space them this way as its easier according to studies. I wanted to tell her it must be nice to have that luxury to follow studies so faithfully, but how can I fault her for having it easier? How can I feel a tinge of bitterness when I have one, one I thought I wouldnt have.

In some ways its nice to feel this sting. It's good to remember how much I now have and how dark it was when I didn't. How while I nurse an empty womb, I am holding my son all the same.