I had another ultrasound today. Little sprout measured at 8w1d right on target bouncing around like a jellybean in a can with a HB of 144! I feel relieved and for the first time I'm feeling optimistic. Last time with W we didn't tell people I was pregnant until I was 24 weeks along but this time around we're thinking we might start sharing the news with close friends and family once we pass the first trimester. It feels good to think this way. To allow myself to be like other pregnant folks. Maybe I'll actually get a chance to enjoy being pregnant? [Well, once the nausea fades that is]
One thing plaguing me from time to time is the hormones and the havoc they are wreaking on my emotions. Since the last go around I'd been in the throes of IF and loss I thought my state of mind during my pregnancy was just who I was, an anxious stressed neurotic person. But now, two years into motherhood I know this isn't true. I'm happy and content with my life. Yes, I have bad days and sometimes I get grouchy or sad or moody, but over all I'm thankful for the state of things and I'm not walking around considering worst-case scenarios and freaking out about the smallest of things.
But now? Now, I am. Today we found out there are some insurance issues, serious but not life or death. And the lawn guy didn't come and my bushes look wonky. And the trash hasn't left the driveway. And my house post house-guests is a mess and I'm too tired to clean it. Maybe these are the triggers maybe they aren't but I am sitting here wondering what is the point of this life and what is the point of me and what a waste of space I am and all sorts of negative thoughts. Yesterday I watched the season finale for Modern Family a show I'm mostly lukewarm about, but when Mitch and Cam didn't get the baby and Mitch said I'm so tired of wanting a child and getting so close and never getting it and I literally sat on the couch and cried for ten minutes and then spent the rest of the day discussing how sad this was with my husband. Some days when I have NO excuse not even a sitcom ,I'll just feel these tears in the back of my throat just waiting for a reason to unfurl. I know this is crazy, I know this is not based on logic but I feel so devestated and depressed so sincerely and truly that I'm tempted to believe it all.
I'm going to start journaling again and writing out things I'm thankful for but I was wondering if any one reading has ever battled depression, or crazy hormones during pregnancy and what they did to deal with it? I'm wondering if I can manage this on my own or if I need to see a therapist. My kid deserves a non-neurotic mother and I hate that I'm aware of how great everything is, and yet the hormones one day will give me peace and the next day make me feel awful. Any advice appreciated.